Early Friday hours, and I can not sleep. I'm wondering whether or not I chipped a tooth in Thursday's training. The trans clinic referral is also keeping me up: will I finally progress or will I stay stuck? How can I find the tenacity and the happiness to keep going in this exhausting, Kafkaesque, bureaucratic … Jatka lukemista Do Not Worry
Call To Arms
Thursday afternoon: I get a message in my healthcare portal. The Finnish trans clinic system may consider a new referral if they can trust me to be cooperative and yada yada something about half truths and needing a note from my psychotherapist regarding my "altered self states". In other words, they are happily disregarding the … Jatka lukemista Call To Arms
Socio-Biological High Altitude Training
Wednesday: I wake up sore but satisfied from dreams in which my brain is practicing kicks, blocks, and punches. The previous night I´ve sought for information about subconcussive head injuries and CTE, and whether or not I should be worried about them sneakily accumulating in fall training. Then again, Taekwondo isn´t judo, so we are … Jatka lukemista Socio-Biological High Altitude Training
Evergreen
My body can not rest the night between Monday and Tuesday. My lower back is on fire and my mind's surface is full of debris brought up by the hard work I put in on Monday, the relatively minor failing of my body, the fear that I'll embarass myself and become excluded. This shame and … Jatka lukemista Evergreen
Upright
Monday, two days to go until my next rest day. My body and I have arrived at an understanding. When I wake up to the autism assistance worker´s arrival, I ask her to check my form for me as I attempt an ap chagi straight after waking up, without warming up, or stretching. The right … Jatka lukemista Upright
Overcome
Sunday. Once again I wake up to the best this country has to offer: a February morning shining like a treasure trove of blues, whites, coniferous greens, and filled with the song of corvids who are already busy building their families. I attend an old online community, and a friend tells me that I look … Jatka lukemista Overcome
Cornerstone
Saturday: I wake up happy from a dream I can not remember and notice that my phone has been stuck under my pillow and is hot to the touch. I´m glad it didn´t set on fire, but instead of getting stuck in that loop of worrying, I put some music on and find myself twerking … Jatka lukemista Cornerstone
Wise In Heart
In Thursday´s Taekwondo practice I was reminded of two things. Firstly, I need to outlearn my habit of nervously chattering when something in training feels difficult, because the vocalizations only scatter my attention further. Learning from my mistakes does not happen immediately in the dojo, but afterwards, reflecting on where I succeeded and where I … Jatka lukemista Wise In Heart
Holy Trees
Thursday; my alarm drags me up from strange and saturated dreams I can not make sense of. I stayed up late portioning and cooling and freezing a dish that was intended to become pulled pork but ended up resembling the typical, tough Finnish tikkupossu, just with better seasoning. It´s cold and beautiful outside. Snowflakes dance … Jatka lukemista Holy Trees
Food That Endures
Wednesday. I wake up to the autism assistance worker´s arrival and start to organize the rest of my week. My grocery delivery arrives noon-ish, and I put a slab of pork shoulder to marinate for later while I attend a support meeting to talk about having to prepare for the potential loss of access to … Jatka lukemista Food That Endures
Lähiönoita 