The United States has become Christian Nationalist. Finland, which used to be a democratic welfare state, has devolved into something that´s starting to resemble a murky oligarchy, and I do not doubt for a second that my experiences at the trans clinic are one symptom of that. Even the LGBTQ+ movement here has been split into the party wing and the human rights activism wing. The year 2025 is ending in scary notes – but then again, perhaps the need for a change has now become urgent enough that changes will come.
Jesus answered, “My teaching is not my own. It comes from the one who sent me.” – John 7:16, NIV
It´s hard to stay hopeful and positive in the face of all these forces that try to tear the peace apart. But I can not effectively survive to fight another day unless I put myself first and stay warm and relaxed. All the time it feels like there´s something right in the corner of my eye, or perhaps in the middle of my field of vision like the blind spot where the optic nerve is attached. Other than the spirit world, what other unseens are there? The shadows of war and surveillance and espionage are reality. They may not touch me directly, but they are moving, great violence is pawing at the ground like a barely contained stud, and I know in my bones what has kept me safe so far: likeability is a survival skill. But as I´m aging and transitioning past the point of surviving through desirability, a new skillset will need to emerge, the old craft finessed to go with my new physical reality.
As I sit on my bed criss cross applesauce, bloated from a couple of days of simple carbs and a couple months of darkness, I remind myself that I do not always feel like the Pillsbury dough boy. I´m writing this the day before Winter Solstice, and I know from experience that things will start to pick up from there. I will feel desirable again and I will feel my oats at the gym again. I got my male ID card on Winter Solstice two years ago. This is my first Christmas on testosterone and I have now been on T for the duration of a regular human pregnancy. Gently… Gently.
Lähiönoita 