On Wednesday I headed out to the gym and had a piece of white chocolate and blueberry cake to find out how it tastes on T. The answer was: horrible! I had eaten the same cake at the same cafe in February while waiting for some paperwork from the employability evaluations clinic, and I had liked it well enough; but this time the only part of the cake I truly enjoyed was the crunchy blueberry the slice was garnished with. The rest of the cake – dense, yet soft like baby food, with greasy white chocolate shavings and sticky blueberry jam – felt genuinely unpleasant in my mouth. And the sweet taste was overpowering, impossible to enjoy. However, I still enjoyed the experience: while it may true that no one can step into the same river twice, very few people get to step into the river, or eat the same slice of cake at the same cafe at the same table, as two different people. I´m in flux. It´s nothing short of miraculous.
Speaking of fluctuations, I have a pretty nasty case of ”T flu”. Everything else in my body feels healthy, strong, and comfortable, but my throat and sinuses are sore and swollen. There is no noticeable redness going on; the discomfort is due to testosterone making my tissues hold on to more water as hypertrophic processes are kicking into overdrive. In order to keep my voice healthy as is starts to change over the next weeks and months, I´m doing vocal exercises and singing along to songs I´m listening on YouTube. I´m interested in finding out if I can train my voice to maintain at least a part of my high register; as of now, I can sing along to Marina´s ”Butterfly” with ease, but only time will tell what my new repertoire will turn out to be. I should probably become a regular at some decent karaoke place early into my medical transitioning: public singing is a powerful tool of mental and physical voice training, and knowing the staff as I mutate more and more would probably add to my personal safety. Also, perhaps I could normalize the existence of trans people just by existing and doing my thing publicly.
On Wednesday I had been three days on T, and deadlifted first 100, and then 105 kg. I don´t believe the physical strength changes have really had time to kick in yet: on estrogen I could DL 80 and 85 kg easily for reps, and 90 and 95 felt comfortable enough as well, but without peeking at my old workout logs, I can´t recall if I ever hit 100 kg before. Especially during the time when I was wondering if I should try to have a baby, I was very wary of injuring myself. I´m not saying that testosterone has made me reckless – I understand fully well that I´m not invulnerable, and having to take time off the gym due to injury would be very frustrating – but when I dealifted 100 kg with surprising ease, and then decided to see if I could handle 105, I felt a calm self-confidence in knowing that I had planned the lift carefully and would know how to fail it safely if necessary. The strain of lifting 105 kg did feel unpleasant, but it felt like I could tell the difference between strain and danger quite well. Perhaps I could have pushed myself harder on estrogen, had I not been so sensitive to the sensations of forces tearing at my lower back, but what matters is that I have a strong foundation of injury-free, disciplined, and form-informed lifting behind me. I could never take shortcuts, because my body was slightly more vulnerable, so I had to teach myself how to do things safely and smartly. I might be small compared to many other guys, and I´m not young anymore, but I am experiencing a new puberty in my early middle age – and I´m going to make the most out of it.
The art therapist cancelled our evaluation session due to her having gotten the norovirus, which makes me feel even more happy about my decision to start testosterone. This is the third schedule fuck-up on her part this spring, and at this rate I don´t think the evaluations will be done in time to allow me to freeze my eggs, even theoretically. I was supposed to see an old friend on Thursday, but she canceled as well, so I´m writing this with the whole day ahead of me, wondering what wonders I should go witness next. I woke up naturally at 6.30 – completely unheard of in my past life – and while my T gel was absorbing, I cooked myself a big batch of quinoa and black beans with cardamom pods, fenugreek seeds, sechuan pepper, and gochujang. It tasted heavenly with some avocado on top, the spices delivering interesting sensations to my re-wiring tastebuds, and will be a versatile tortilla filler, salad base, or whatever I will come up with over the next few days. The mirror can´t really capture the way I feel inside yet, but it will catch up eventually.
Lähiönoita 