Autumn harvest season started three days before Lammas for me this year. After writing my previous post, I was unable to sleep due to the darkness of its subject matter and the emotionally draining memories I had had to revisit doing it. But it is a reality of my life that some days suck me into the vortex of past pain. I stayed up for the rest of the night and finished another text, which I want to run past the artist whose work it refers to and depicts first, but I´m glad I finished it. Like ”Hell”, the other text is also a recall to my psychiatric crisis last fall and the accumulative trauma that lead to it. But today, as I´m writing this, I´m right as rain. I had my first psychotherapy session of the fall season, and my therapist complimented me on having been able to turn my emotional and traumatic hardships into art. He was also supportive of the rekindling of my love for karaoke, as singing is an embodied action, and everything that brings a person to their body is generally speaking a good antidote to post-traumatic symptoms.
I also got a call from the employability evaluations clinic, and dr P suggested I be transferred to another doctor who has no affiliation to the trans clinic. I felt relieved. This will bump the timeline of the evaluations a bit further into the fall, but it will shift the power dynamic and hopefully make me a little bit less triggered during the evaluations. Besides, if I´m lucky, I will know by then if the academics I contacted about the PhD idea will agree to supervising my work or not. I´ll also know by then if the fertility clinic wants me to have finished the employability evaluations before treatments or not. The best thing I can do for now is to rest for the rest of today and resume my exercise routine tomorrow. Exercising while sleep deprived is a bad idea, and my foot injury feels much more sore now that I´m running on too little sleep. The number on the scale is stubbornly stuck at the same place it was a few days ago, but I´m going slow and steady and safe. I need time; time and tranquility.
Today´s picture isn´t the most high effort piece ever, but maybe it´s in order to accompany a short, light text. It´s a she-wolf tending to two devil children, reminiscent of the myth of Romulus and Remus raised by a wolf. This entry, and this silly little picture, are like an oasis providing both myself and the readers a little breather between deep dives into depictions of madness and the evil of mankind. At the end of the day, it´s not all bad. Also, rest and whimsy and reasonable efforts ought to be celebrated. Not everything that I shit on the keyboard has to come out a masterpiece for the ages. None of it is. These are just the collected letters of a lunatic, and I´m proud of my efforts as they are.
Lähiönoita 